Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
