I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
