he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Randomize
