If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
