mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
