I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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