I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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