I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
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