She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
