Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
