My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
