what if every blade of grass was a penis?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
