i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
