should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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