shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
