Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
