if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
