I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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