My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
