You don't have asthma, your pregnant
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
