on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
