he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
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Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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