mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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