Where are you?
In a non slutty way
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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