And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize