apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
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