woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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