Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
