My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
