New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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