I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
