I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
