So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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