I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
