Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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