if i can run in heels then i can drive
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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