apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
