I looked at my own cervix.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm at about main and main street
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
