My sheets look like a crime scene.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
