You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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