I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
