I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
