dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
