please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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