Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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