Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize