I need to stop coming to work sober
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
