i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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