i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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