i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
