Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
