I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
