i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
