I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
