Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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