My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
