How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
last night I used snow as a chaser
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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