I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
smell my finger.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
