Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
