Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
